We know it’s important, but what exactly is emotional health, and how can we help our kids achieve it? fit recently sat down with Certified Daring Way, Dare to Lead Facilitator, and Sanford Health’s Pediatric Chaplain Melissa Hiatt to learn more.
How would you define emotional health in youth?
I would define emotional health in youth the same as I would define it in adults, emotional heath is when we understand what we are thinking (cognition), feeling (emotion) and doing (behavior) and how they are all connected. Imagine emotional health as a three-legged stool. Understanding and paying attention to each leg is important; cognition (What am I thinking?), emotion (What am I feeling?) and behavior (What am I doing?). You can't pay attention to just one leg, you have to pay attention to all three.
Why is it important to ensure kids are emotionally healthy?
Emotion is energy and it has to go somewhere. I think unprocessed emotion can have serious consequences on a child's mental and physical health. By simply getting curious, you can help a child develop their emotional health.
One day, my daughter came home from school and said, "These new shoes make my feet stink." I hadn't noticed until she pointed it out. Sure enough, her feet were stinky. The next night, I came home late and she was working on homework. She called me over to look at something. Standing over her, I recognized the stinky feet smell. Expecting to laugh like we did the night before, I said, "Your feet stink." But she did not laugh. Instead, she yelled, "No they don't," and then went upstairs and started the bathtub. My husband informed me he had smelled her feet earlier and she had already washed her feet once. I felt terrible.
Using the three legged stool metaphor, I could see my daughter’s emotion. She was feeling angry and hurt. I could observe her behavior, stomping, huffing, arms folded, but I had no idea what she was thinking. I asked my daughter if I could ask her a question. She obliged. I said, "Yesterday you were the one that pointed out your feet stunk and we laughed about it, but today when I pointed it out it seemed to really hurt your feelings. Can you help me understand what you were thinking when I said your feet stink?" She sat there for a while and finally said, "I don't want you and dad to think I'm gross."
I said, "Do you want to know what I was thinking? I was thinking that I've had shoes that make my feet stink. I was thinking the next time we go to Target, we could get a deodorizer for those shoes." What would have happened if I hadn't asked more questions? If I had just gotten mad about her rude behavior? It's been three years since that incident. Would she have gone on believing that we thought she was gross? Instead, I let her in on what I was thinking.
There is so much thinking and feeling that is happening outside of our awareness. Emotional health requires getting curious about what we are thinking, feeling and doing and how they are all connected.
What challenges might kids face if they are not feeling emotionally healthy?
It causes a host of problems. They don’t know how to interpret or evaluate what they are feeling. They begin to believe their feelings are facts to be acted upon, rather than data to inform. They can feel out of control and uncertain about themselves and about life.
How can caregivers aid their children in better understanding and coping with emotions?
If you see your child do something that is out of character, ask how they are feeling or get curious about what they are thinking. Remind yourself that while behavior can be good or bad, emotions are not good or bad. Emotions are data and they us that something is going on.
Looking for ways you can help your child better understand their emotions? Try our Feelings and Emotions Chart or How Do You Feel? printable.