Building your child’s self‑esteem is one of the most powerful investments you can make in their future. Confidence does not just help kids feel good about themselves; it shapes how they learn, how they handle challenges, and how they build relationships. To help you nurture that kind of resilience, we spoke with Dr. Katelyn Mickelson, PsyD, a Specialist in Child Psychology at Sanford Health who shared simple, powerful insights into how self‑esteem forms, and what caregivers can do every day to strengthen it.
What Shapes a Child’s Self‑Esteem in Early Childhood?
Self-esteem grows through everyday interactions, and the emotional environment caregivers create. According to Dr. Mickelson, “Our self-esteem is shaped by our relationships with others, such as the interactions that we have with our parents, teachers, and peers.” The way adults speak to children, respond to their needs, and guide them through challenges becomes the lens through which kids learn to see themselves.
- When a caregiver listens attentively, a child learns, “My thoughts matter.”
- When a teacher encourages a shy child to share during circle time, the child thinks, “I can do this.”
- When peers include them in play, they feel, “I belong.”
These small moments accumulate into a powerful sense of self.
She also notes, “Providing children with praise can help to shape a positive self-image.” Praise, when used thoughtfully, reinforces a child’s belief in their abilities and effort. It tells them, “I’m capable,” and “My actions have value.” Effective praise such as, “You were really kind when you helped your friend today,” or “You worked so hard on that drawing – look at all the details you added,” helps children internalize a healthy, realistic sense of confidence.
How Developmental Stages Shape Self-Esteem
Kids do not understand themselves the same way at every age. Dr. Mickelson highlights, “Children develop the ability to compare themselves to others in early elementary school. This impacts their self-esteem as they are starting to be able to see that some people are better able to do things than they are and that they also have skills that others seem to struggle with.” Here is what caregivers can do to provide appropriate support:
- Normalize differences: “Everyone learns at their own pace.”
- Highlight unique strengths: “You’re great at building things, and your friend is great at running.”
- Encourage a growth mindset: “Skills grow with practice.”
Healthy Self-Esteem vs. Overconfidence: What’s the Difference?
“Heathy self-esteem is knowing what you are good at as well as knowing what you are not good at, whereas overconfidence can be overestimating your abilities. Healthy self-esteem is believing in yourself to overcome challenges, whereas overconfidence is not knowing your own limits,” explains Dr. Mickelson. Helping kids understand both their strengths and their growth areas teaches humility, resilience, and realistic self-awareness.
Everyday Behaviors That Can Accidentally Harm Self‑Esteem – and What to Do Instead
Self‑esteem does not grow from big milestones; it is built quietly, in the small, everyday moments children share with the adults who care for them. A warm smile, a patient explanation, a chance to try something on their own – these experiences help children understand who they are and what they are capable of. Dr. Mickelson highlights two important areas where small shifts can make a big difference.
She explains, “Backhanded compliments, such as ‘You know a lot for someone who doesn’t read’ or similar criticism can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem.” Clear, warm encouragement helps children feel genuinely seen and valued. Instead of praise mixed with criticism, children benefit from simple, sincere acknowledgment of their effort or strengths.
Confidence nurturing alternatives:
- “You explained that so clearly – you really understand it.”
- “I love how curious you are.”
- “You kept trying even when it got tricky.”
She also notes, “Overprotecting a child and not letting them learn from their mistakes can also have a negative impact on self-esteem because then the child doesn’t learn how to grow from their mistakes.” When children are allowed to try, make mistakes, and try again, they learn that they are capable of solving problems and growing through challenges.
Strategies to Build Authentic, Resilient Self-Esteem
Dr. Mickelson recommends the following:
1. Model Confidence – Show Them What It Looks Like: Children learn far more from what we do than what we say. When caregivers demonstrate confidence, especially in moments of challenge, kids absorb that mindset. This does not mean pretending everything is easy. In fact, letting children see you work through difficulty teaches them that confidence is about persistence, not perfection.
- Narrate your problem-solving: “This is tough, but I can figure it out.”
- Show calm when things go wrong: “Oops, I spilled the juice. No big deal, I’ll clean it up.”
- Let them see you try new things, even if you are unsure: “I’ve never built this shelf before, but I’m excited to learn.”
When children witness adults navigating challenges with patience and self-belief, they internalize the message, “I can do that too.”
2. Offer Specific, Meaningful Praise: Children benefit most from encouragement that highlights their effort, strategy, or persistence – not just the outcome. Specific praise helps kids understand why they succeeded, which builds confidence they can carry into new situations.
Instead of “Good job,” try:
- “You stayed focused even when it got tricky.”
- “I noticed how carefully you colored inside the lines.”
- “You were really patient while waiting for your turn.”
This kind of feedback helps children see themselves as capable learners who can grow through effort. For more tips on how to upgrade your encouragement, check out our Coping with BIG Feelings and Anxiety Cheat Sheet.
3. Encourage Independence – Let Them Try, Learn, and Grow: Independence is a cornerstone of self-esteem. When children are trusted to do things on their own, they begin to trust themselves. Even small tasks can have a big impact. The goal is not perfection, it is practice.
Supportive ways to encourage independence:
- Let them zip their own coat, even if it takes a few tries.
- Invite them to pour their own water or help set the table.
- Encourage them to choose their outfit (mismatched socks and all).
- Give them simple responsibilities, like feeding a pet or watering plants.
Each successful attempt, no matter how small, reinforces the belief, “I can do things on my own.”
Responding to Self-Doubt and Negative Self-Talk
When a child says, “I’m bad at everything,” it can be heartbreaking, but it is also an opportunity to strengthen their emotional resilience. Dr. Mickelson advises, “Caregivers can validate their child’s feelings, while also providing words of encouragement. Statements such as ‘I know this is difficult for you and I know you can work through it’ help to validate their experience while also providing them a nudge to keep doing better.”
Children are not born knowing how to speak kindly to themselves – they learn it from the adults around them. Encourage positive self-talk with fun activities such as the Positive Self-Talk Coloring Pages.
Supporting a child’s self‑esteem is really about the everyday moments that help them feel capable, valued, and understood. When you show up with patience, warmth, and a willingness to let them grow at their own pace, you are already giving them exactly what they need. You do not have to be perfect or have all the answers – your steady presence and belief in their potential makes all the difference. With small, intentional choices, you are helping your child build confidence that will support them through every stage of life.
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